19.05.2016
when was the last time I write here?
muahahhahaha...
Anyway, my life is a messed
wait.. not really
when ppl hv painful experience which lead to traumatic memory, the only thing that keep appearing in our head is bad stuff... to put it simple, we intend to remember our painful experience rather than happiness.. well that's pretty much goin on in my head these months.. this year is quite mental breakdown for me and make me struggling to accept reality which I did it well.. I guess LOL
I m blending to social media life these years, after backstabbing inccident on september 2014 and i hv no longer close friends here in my college life, or u can say I'm NEET now!! it's hard to blend in when others hv their own group while i just kicked out by my group.. so... next option is NEET LIFE
By the way, I was betrayed okay?! it's not my fault (that s just my opinion, well these past two years I kept blamming myself) and I need new comfort life where I can express my feeling.. I failed in my social life, so that's when I hope warm hug from my own family.. which in the edge of breakdown
My dad hooked up with another widow (okay WIDOWS) and I just knew this facts recently, around December or maybe new year 2016.. what shocked me was that like my last shield of defending my own father was scattered... I always have this complecated feeling towards my dad like "why he doesnt come home often? Ok work", "why he never try to talk to me? Ok he just gv freedom to his daughter", or "why he always lies and betrayed my mom all over the time? Ok he s also human" and sometimes "why he always promise to not hurt my mom again while the next day he do that again? Ok He's a dickhead"
I m not so sure why my mom still loves this man... whenever I said "I hate my father", "I don't hv a father", at the same time I know that he is my biological dad .. but untill now, I'm not so sure to picture my own dad in words.. you know ppl said "Daughter first love is her Father" or "The only guy in the entire world who will not hurt and abandon you is your Father", this kind of "wisdom words" disn't work for me.. but one thing guys I always said to myself that I forgive him, I love him.. and I really try my best to forgive him, and talk to him, or anything that "being a good daughter".. however sometimes I just feel sick enough and need space.. do u think I deserve it? owh btw my dad ard hooked up with "someone else" since I was in junior high school maybe.. mean 8 years ago.. he already backstabbing my mom since I was kid
I wonder what is my mental status right now... well it's because I'm into Korea Drama these days and it s about DID... bout some kind of syndrom for mental illness which make u hv two personalities or more...
